Dear God

Dear God,

I know it's Thanksgiving and I should be thanking you for the many blessings you have bestowed on me but I have a far greater request to put forth to you at this time.  I promise you, that i will give u due thanks :)

I have this little problem in which my patience is severely being tested.  I am seriously at my wits end as to what i need to do, short of blasting the brains of two fuckwits. I don't care if someone(s) wanna cause me pain, and I have to say I am majorly so at this juncture, but i draw the line when people I care for are hurt. So, I'm begging you please to take the red lenses outta my eyes, help me keep the calm and to bite my tongue in order not to say what i'd truly like to say to all involved.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Bottle of Wine

For all of us who are married , were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
she said:

'Good trade.....'

Apparently I'm A Bitch

Good evening! Are you having a good week so far? Today I have decided to tell you a tale that will hopefully amuse you.

A few weeks ago I was walking down the main road towards the National Mall. While on this mission of the utmost importance I notice a guy walking besides me and he noticed me. Or at least he noticed me pulling my face and simply couldn’t stop himself from interrogating me.

Now if you know anything at all about me you’ll know that I have a thousand thoughts racing through my mind at anyone time (read: the voices in her head are instructing her to kill all within eyesight). Each thought vying for my attention, is usually accompanied by a facial expression. Sometimes I simply have the biggest ass grin on my face due to something hilarious I have just thought of. At other times I screw up my face like I’ve just bitten into a lemon. The point being that I suck ass at poker; I am incapable of keeping control of my emotions. So can you imagine my surprise when this stranger, whom I don’t know from a bar of soap, asks me why I’m pulling my face?

My first reaction was to ask him what he meant but then the thought hit me, “Why am I having an interaction (eventually maybe an altercation) with a stranger on the main road?” It was with that I moved on without waiting for answer. My unconscionable action seemed to have angered him because he immediately yelled, “And you’re fucking ugly as well.”

...

Yeah, bet you didn’t think that story would end that way.

Anyway, for a long while after the incident I kept replaying the scene in my head. Most people would have been angry and shouted something sarcastic in return. Me? I was amused. I just don’t understand you someone can let something so slight, so unintentional by someone of no import get to them. There are some things in life simply not worth getting angry over.

The Bane Of All Existance!

How is it that telemarketers know exactly when I'm at home to call? I swear it's like as if they have an eye trained on me. The first call is never more than 5 mins after i've walked in the front door.


What I think ticks me off the most is getting an early morning call and because i'm still bleary eyed (and most probably hit my shin stumbling to get the phone before the 4th ring), can't quite focus on the number to note that its a ..... yea u got it....a telemarketer asking if i'd donate to this, that or the other or if they could interest me with 0% interest free credit cards or refinancing of my home mortgage, etc....for the last time NO!

Please, please, please dear God, get them to leave me alone! I promise to eat all my peas, say my prayers every night and floss my teeth after every meal. I'll even do a pinky promise on it!

Now, for those of you who are going to 'advise' me about getting my name and number on the do not call list, don't waste your breath. I AM ON THAT LIST ALREADY!

OK, this is how its now gonna go down....

1. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with WXYZ Bank. Would you like a free credit card ma'am?"
Me: Wait for a few seconds and with a real husky voice say, "What colour panties are you wearing right now?"

2. Say "No" over and over. Will be sure to vary the sound of each 'No', and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if I can do it continuously until they hang up.

3. If Insurance company calls trying to get me to sign up for the Family and Friends Package, reply, in a low sinister voice , "I don't have any friends or family, would you like to be my friend or family?"

4. If the company sells cleaning products, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

5. Answer the phone. As soon as i realize it is a Telemarketer, "Accept God! Save Your soul and get ready for eternal life" ... they will hang up.

6. Tell the Telemarketer i am busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

7. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

8. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on speaker phone while i continue to eat at my leisure.

9. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. While she is talking, make some noises like 'mmmmm'....'oooohhh'...and then say "I'm not wearing any clothes."


Let's see who's got whom now, eh?!? :P

Kissing, Petting, Fucking...And It Gets Better

The key to real estate is location, location, location. So how would you like to call these towns home? There is a town in Austria called "Fucking". If you locate it on Google maps, you will see there are a number of Fucking roads there. A big problem is that American tourists keep stealing their street signs, returning to the states and saying "hey look, I've been to Fucking Austria." The village is known to have existed as Fucking since at least 1070 and is named after a man from the 6th century called Focko. "Ing" is an old Germanic suffix meaning "people." Therefore, Fucking in this case, means "place of Focko's people." There is also another town called "Oberfucking" or "Upper Fucking", for those who like to be on top I guess. Coincidentally just over the border in Bavaria, Germany you will find two small municipalities called Kissing and Petting. So just a word of advice, you might want to start with Kissing and Petting before you race to Fucking. If you don't know the ins and outs of Kissing, Petting and Fucking, you may want to look for a German bus tour operator named "Fücker". He can show you all you need to know.

If you plan on visiting Baden-Wuerttemberg, Germany may I suggest you stay away from a village called "Killer". The locals say it isn't the best place to camp. For the homosexual tourist, you may want to stop in Manly, Australia. It's on the other side of the harbor from Sydney. If you want to get straight to the point, you can always just visit Intercourse, Pennsylvania right here in the states. You'll definitely want to reach Climax, MI also. But be careful, because it's only 33 miles from Fertile.

There is also a town in Northern Portugal, Spain called Feces. The town is actually called "Feces de Abaixo" (Lower Feces), adding to my amusement factor. If reading about all of these lewd town names is making you feel like you will go straight to hell, then let me point you in the the right direction. You will find Hell in Norway and let me warn you, it's not hot like you may of imagined. Their winters can get below -20C! Yes folks, hell DOES freeze over.

Headache or Cramp?

I have a male colleague who considers himself as a fairly smart guy. He has a couple of degrees and can name all the U.S. States in alphabetical order. Now granted he has to sing them in that same squeaky, elementary school boy voice when he learned the "Fifty Nifty United States" song back in the 1st grade ;0) hehehe! But still, that level of smartitude has to count for something, right? So why is it that someone like him who borderlines on genius (note the sarcasm) can be so freaking dumb sometimes? I give to you Exhibit A.

Obviously this isn’t the exact conversation, word for word, as it occurred in real life and not over AIM or some other form of online communication where I could have saved the actual chit-chat. Although from the best of my recollection, this is how it went down...

Male Colleague: My head is killing me! Do you have any Aspirin?

Me: I have Tylenol. Do you want that?

Male Colleague: Yeah, that will work.

Me: (checks my drawer) Actually it’s Tylenol PM.

Male Colleague: (in a sarcastic, mocking tone) Ha-ha. I know. I get it. I’m on my man-period this week. But seriously, do you have just regular Tylenol or something?

Me: You know, you can take Tylenol PM.

Male Colleague: (gives me this irritated look as if to say stop playing around)

Me: Well...it might make you drowsy, but should get rid of your headache. (I pause as a light bulb goes off in my head) Wait...what do you think the PM stands for?

Male Colleague: I'm not stupid. It's Tylenol for women. PM = premenstrual.

At this point I'm almost on the floor in a fit of laughter. All these years male colleague always thought that Tylenol PM was their version of Midol, the period pain relief meds. He never knew PM stood for nighttime!

Male Colleague: Who ever looks at the moon on the bottle anyway? Stupid period medicine!

It's always the smart ones who get them good...lol