Got Milk?

OMG I've gotta share this story with you.  I laughed so hard I cried.

A friend of mine told me the following story:

She was telling me about how they'd ran out of milk at home this morning and how her 4 year old son went up to his daddy and asked him if he could "milk" his mommy's breast for his cereal. Apparently, the son thinks that his mom doesn't love him and that his sister is selfish for not sharing her milk. His sister is only a month old!

Full cream milk: $2.69 a gallon
Innocent blurts from kids: a dime a dozen
Gapping fish outta water like look from daddy: PRICELESS

What can we find on you ?!?

Phone rings...


HH: Hey Chermaine, how are you? Glad to have you on the team and thanks by the way for completing the salary negotiations for me.

ME: Not to shabby thanks. Am sure the clients will keep me on my toes. So did she accept the offer?

HH: Yes she did. She was agreeable to your final package. Was getting a little worried about her line of questioning but am guessing the Malaysian connection worked.

ME: Excellent! JO will be ecstatic that we've just increased our diversity figures

(note: Malaysians are considered an under-represented group and with the recent call by RBZ to increase female representation to 50% we scored a double whammy on this recruitment. Chinese Malaysian female for a Senior Managerial position. JJ would be proud of me ;) *inside joke*)

HH: Her references came back pretty solid too. And her facebook profile was clean.

(internal thought: WFT is he on about??)

ME: What do you mean her facebook profile?

HH: Yeah, don't you know a few of us have started doing google checks on our candidates and looking especially into sites like facebook, myspace and the likes.

(facial expression: one of utter disbelief!)

ME: U're kidding me right?

HH: Nope

ME: Hhmmm I'm not sure i'm comfortable with this but let's talk more when i get back to the office.

HH: Sure, will be submitting the paperwork tomorrow for processing. Bye now.

ME: Great. Bye

Needless to say that brief yet enlightening conversation left a bad after taste. Dammit but do we not already do a pretty bang-up & extensive background check on the candidates we hire? From credit history, to verification of education (so if u say u've a MBA/PhD u bloody well make sure u have it), to the usual criminal check and of course reference checks. We, the HR Advisors & Recruiters, were now taking it upon ourselves to scour the internet for personal behaviors on display.

Sure, I'm always telling my nephews and nieces to be cautious about what they post on their profile and to make sure that they have it protected in every which way possible. Especially in landing that first plum job. I know recruiters are looking. There's plenty of stories out there to debunk that this is all just hearsay. But come now, does a photo or two of someone drunk and dancing on a bartop or standing in costume (I believe it was a pirate costume) with a cocktail in hand deserve his/her break in life to be yanked away? What happened to having a happy medium to work/life balance. So it's fine it you're out helping out in the soup kitchens and/or volunteering with Habit for Humanity, but by jove you're doomed if you're having a drink and some laughs with friends or hey maybe dancing with another female cause all of a sudden your moral is going to be quizzed. For crying out loud!!!

Holy cow...paralyzing moment...maybe I should go google ME up and see what pops up...hhmmm, coz I know without a doubt there is a photo of me dancing on a couch in some club, several photos of me looking half dazed from waaayy to much alcohol and ... err ok that one has come down already for other reasons :) and some pretty funky comments Bottom line, I honestly don't care. In fact if you were to come to my office there's a framed photo of me slurping away on some blue concoction. Hell, if i'm going to pass over recruiting someone, it's going to be for reasons other than a photo or a lame comment!

Relationship Status

Status: Must Be In One!


What is it with some people's obsession with being in a relationship? I just don't get it. It's as if the word "single" is the new dirty word! They would rather be labeled a "cheater" than "single." Because if you're a cheater, you are at least in a relationship, or you've recently been in a relationship. But if you're single, you're dubbed a loser? This "must be in a relationship" notion seems to be especially true for Gen-Y, which I suppose makes sense given the fact that they grew up on technology. The Internet had just begun to boom when they were teenagers, which was the same time they started dating. Shortly after, Facebook came along and with it the infamous "Relationship Status" field we needed to fill out. While some where eager and more than happy to select "In A Relationship," others sheepishly selected the dirty word from the drop down box - "Single." Still, others opted for the "It's Complicated" selection...which always kills me when I see someone under the age of 18 saying it's complicated. Think it's complicated now? Just wait until you're older and you actually have a REAL relationship. Something more meaningful. Something that involves deeper feelings than the puppy love, school crushes you are accustom to.

We all know someone who changes their Facebook Relationship Status at a dizzying rate! Like a light switch, they're on again, off again. We see the happy, full heart icon when they enter a relationship. Then we see the sad, broken heart icon when they breakup. It's digitally dramatic. And am I the only one who doesn't care whether their heart is full of butterflies or daggers? Relationship status quos just don't interest me. When it comes to relationships, I guess I'm a bit old fashion in the sense that I don't feel the need to publicly announce my single/not single status. For the most part, I keep who I'm dating rather private. Afterall, a romantic relationship is supposed to be a private matter, is it not?

It's not Facebook Relationship Statuses that concern me though. What concerns me is the fact that I know far too many people that are willing to just settle, for the sake of wanting to say "I have a boyfriend/girlfriend." They basically settle for whoever will have them. They try converting their long time friend as a new love interest or get back together with an ex that previously treated them like poop! Why? Because like an old shoe, it's comfy. But when did people start picking comfy over happy? Comfy over excitement? Comfy over finding that one person in life you should (were meant to) be with, rather than the one that you just settled for because it was convenient to do so and they agreed to your relationship status quo? I believe it was Carrie Bradshaw that once said, "I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love." I don't know about you, but I want that! I want a guy that makes me deliriously happy and I refuse to settle for anything less.

Nobody will deny that dating can sometimes be scary, but people are basically throwing in the towel when it comes to love and that's just sad. Who would have thought that we would see the day when being in a relationship is viewed as LESS scary than dating!

Hrmph!

It's Me

She has secrets you'll never know or  understand,
She appears so strong on the outside,
But on the inside her world is spinning upside down.

She's smiling and standing tall to the outer world,

She's crying and breaking down in her inner world.

She appears so happy to her mates,
But alone, she shares her tears with her pillow.
She knows not to get her hopes up,
As they always come crashing down.
She's heard it all before and felt it all.
She's experienced more than her fair share.
One touch, and she'll flinch,
One harsh word, and she'll cry,
One bad moment, and she'll break down.

She trusts no one, because the people she has, hurt her and left her to
pick up the pieces
She believes no one, because the people she has, lie and betray her.
So for now she'll keep to herself and pretend everything is fine,
When everything is wrong.

I know this girl, because this girl...
IS ME!

Habits to help you live to 100

I received this in my inbox a couple of days ago and thought that I'd share it with you. Personally my take is if I can't overindulge in sweet things, abuse the alco and smoke, why bother. I've a fixation with the number 72, so 100 is a helluva long ways aways from that. But for the rest of you who would like to reach the magic number of 100 do read on....



Habits to Help You Live to 100
By Deborah Kotz
U.S. News & World Report in The Baltimore Sun


The biggest factor that determines how well you age is not your genes but how well you live. Not convinced? A new study published in the British Medical Journal of 20,000 British folks shows that you can cut your risk of having a stroke in half by doing the following four things: being active for 30 minutes a day, eating five daily servings of fruit and vegetables, and avoiding cigarettes and excess alcohol.

While those are some of the obvious steps you can take to age well, researchers have discovered that centenarians tend to share certain traits in how they eat, move about, and deal with stress--the sorts of things we can emulate to improve our own aging process. Of course, getting to age 100 is enormously more likely if your parents did. But, if your parents and grandparents were heavy smokers, they might have died prematurely without ever reaching their true potential lifespan, so go ahead and shoot for those triple digits.

1. Don't retire (join the WB instead, where you can enjoy the spoils of retirement, i.e. pension, and still work as a consultant earning your last drawn salary!)

The Chianti region of Italy, which has a high percentage of centenarians, has a different take on leisure time. "After people retire from their jobs, they spend most of the day working on their little farm, cultivating grapes or vegetables," says Luigi Ferrucci, director of the Baltimore Longitudinal Study of Aging. Farming isn't for you? Volunteer as a docent at your local art museum or join the Experience Corps , a program offered in 19 cities that places senior volunteers in urban public elementary schools for about 15 hours a week.

2. Floss every day (i'm surprised that this need even be mentioned. Isn't it a given??)

That may help keep your arteries healthy. A 2008 New York University study showed that daily flossing reduced the amount of gum-disease-causing bacteria in the mouth. This bacteria is thought to enter the bloodstream and trigger inflammation in the arteries, a major risk factor for heart disease. Other research has shown that those who have high amounts of bacteria in their mouth are more likely to have thickening in their arteries, another sign of heart disease.

3. Move around (u gotta move it, move it...)

Study after study has documented the benefits of exercise to improve your mood, mental acuity, balance, muscle mass, and bones. Don't worry if you're not a gym rat. Those who see the biggest payoffs are the ones who go from doing nothing to simply walking around the neighborhood or local mall for about 30 minutes a day. Building muscle with resistance training is also ideal, but yoga classes can give you similar strength-training effects if you're not into weight lifting.

4. Eat a fiber-rich cereal for breakfast.

Getting a serving of whole-grains, especially in the morning, appears to help older folks maintain stable blood sugar levels throughout the day, according to a recent study conducted by Ferrucci and his colleagues.

5. Get at least six hours of shut-eye (does it count if we rack up the missing hours and compensate during the weekend?)

Instead of skimping on sleep to add more hours to your day, get more to add years to your life. Those who reach the century mark make sleep a top priority.

6. Consume whole foods, not supplements (it's all in the color peeps. Isn't that how we get our kids to eat their veggies?)

Strong evidence suggests that people who have high blood levels of certain nutrients--selenium, beta-carotene, vitamins C and E--age much better and have a slower rate of cognitive decline. Unfortunately, there's no evidence that taking pills with these nutrients provides those antiaging benefits. Avoid nutrient-lacking white foods (breads, flour, sugar) and go for all those colorful fruits and vegetables and dark whole-grain breads and cereals with their host of hidden nutrients.

7. Be less neurotic (which also reads as "Get that damn ram rod outta ur a%$#")

It may work for Woody Allen, who infuses his worries with a healthy dose of humor, but the rest of us neurotics may want to find a new way to deal with stress. If this inborn trait is hard to overcome, find better ways to manage when you're stressed: Yoga, exercise, meditation, tai chi, or just deep breathing for a few moments are all good. Ruminating, eating chips in front of the TV, binge drinking? Bad, very bad.

8. Live like a Seventh Day Adventist (hahaha the SDAs I know definitely do not abide by this)

Americans who define themselves as Seventh Day Adventists have an average life expectancy of 89, about a decade longer than the average American. One of the basic tenets of the religion is that it's important to cherish the body that's on loan from God, which means no smoking, alcohol abuse, or overindulging in sweets. Followers typically stick to a vegetarian diet based on fruits, vegetables, beans, and nuts, and get plenty of exercise. They're also very focused on family and community.

9. Be a creature of habit (Gawd this one would kill me earlier rather than later!)

Centenarians tend to live by strict routines, says Olshansky, eating the same kind of diet and doing the same kinds of activities their whole lives. Going to bed and waking up at the same time each day is another good habit to keep your body in the steady equilibrium that can be easily disrupted as you get on in years.

10. Stay connected (does facebook and twitter count?)

Having regular social contacts with friends and loved ones is key to avoiding depression, which can lead to premature death, something that's particularly prevalent in elderly widows and widowers. Some psychologists even think that one of the biggest benefits elderly folks get from exercise the strong social interactions that come from walking with a buddy or taking a group exercise class. Having a daily connection with a close friend or family member gives older folks the added benefit of having someone watch their back.

Too Much of A Good Thing is.....Delicious

"Why not seize the pleasure at once? How often is happiness destroyed by preparation."

Jane Austen

You bet, I did, in the most girly and cliched way possible- I have just quoted Jane Austen. The quote hit me immediately and I found it interesting that instead of ending it with a question mark, she ended it with a period. As in, this is fact.

Interesting when you think about it, what happens when we over plan an event; map out the details to the most minute and trivial specifics, play "what if" games in our heads, then, instead of enjoying the outcome we're often so ridden with the stress that it took to get there, thereby making the entire process agonizing and not pleasureable at all. Often, we place such an empasis on wanting something to be great, that we aren't OK with everything just being good. Or just being at all. When the person gets so caught up in the outcome the entire motivation behind the wanting of the end result is lost completely.

Instead of enjoying the meal you worry about the money you had to spend to pay for it. Instead of keeping sight of the reason why you're planning the event, why you're getting married, why you're celebrating- whatever, you're busy focusing on the frustration, the stress or the pimple. WHATEVER IT IS, it is inane, but it has become the main event.

Rather than appreciating the way something made you feel you start to question your frivolity, or your judgment. Taking a joy ride in the middle of the day or ditching that "thing, that that person wanted you to go to" is laden with guilt. You repremand yourself for doing something so insignificant.

It's as if we have this stimuli on PLEASURE, as if pleasure is bad. If we succumb to hedonism we are being reckless or dangerously impetuous. The process of feeling guilt associated with pleasure is set in our brains so much that instead of reveling in the euphoria of something that makes you spring about with glee and stupid grinning, we rush at the first chance to throw our hands into the pot and messy things up. What about the saying, "Don't fix it if it ain't broke" Yes, it's country but so what...if things are good we shouldn't be waiting for the giant shoe to fall out of the sky and knock us down. Or when people say, "Yep, everything is going so well...I'm just waiting for something bad too happen....TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE." Yes, if you say so my friend. Have fun being miserable when "the bad thing" comes along.

When your body starts saying, "Oh, this feels nice." or "I may just sleep ten more minutes..." it says, "This is so good, it must be a sin." Our brains have been warped to condemn ourselves for having too much fun. Since fun must be fruitless. The phrases, "It's not supposed to be fun, it's WORK." and "Well, life's not always fair." "You're having too much fun...." Having too much fun, what the fuck does that mean!? Work better be fun because in order to survive (for most) it's your entire existence. You know what isn't fun, dying and looking at your life and saying..."Well gee, that wasn't that much fun, glad to go!" I'd like to have a sit down with whomever started saying, "....it's sinful" when someone licked chocolate from their fingers and said..."this is so good..so good it's....(loss for words)" SINFUL? That would have hardly been my response. Whoever decided that decadence, JOY, sheer delight, were useless emotions, were sorely mistaken.

Seizing the pleasure for me would mean: sleeping until noon when I felt like it, driving aimlessly down countryside roads, eating dripping-down-the-chin juicy rich mangoes, that extra glass of whisky, sex in the wee hours of the morning, a spoonful of rich chocolate ICING, risking rejection and telling someone I want them, singing LOUDLY, screaming- because it feels AMAZING, licking my fingers, letting someone grab me-kiss me-hug me and hugging them back. Speaking my mind without fear, going for the real thing instead of the low fat crap.Vacationing more often, not feeling obligated, hot chocolate and getting lost in my down comforter. Staying an extra hour or leaving early, curling up or spazzing out. Letting my guard down, crushing it beneath my feet and running bare naked through my entire world. Spending that extra money on the expensive brand and not feeling bad about it. Sweaty palms and dragonflies. Hearts skipping beats, and skipping. Just one more time, again, a little extra and side of that.

Pleasure is something that I let consume me, JUST BECAUSE. And that, is fine by me.

Did you read the label on that??

Most things that we ingest into our body we can find out exactly what it is we're ingesting: ingredients, calories, chemicals, possible side effects, etc.

This is for our safety. For our judgement, so we can say, "Hey, I don't feel like popping that pill to get rid of a back ache and trade it in for a bleeding ass hole." or, " Hey, I don't want to feed my baby high fructose corn syrup and chemicals tested on rats, since, my baby is not a rat, yet."

We're given the proper information so that we can decide whether we want to put our bodies through the effects of things that could be harmful.

Now, it seems to me that when the "big man" was making US, you'd think the same rules would apply, no?

For instance, when it comes to matters of the heart we're not given the option of a disclaimer to make an intelligent, fact based, decision on whether giving your most valuable organ to someone is a good idea.

But, when I have a flaming headache- I can pick up a bottle of Advil and risk facial swelling, hoping it all lands in my lips rather than my eyelids.

So if I were to be created again, possible suitors would see this handy little thing- a warning label:

Often "too busy", not the best housekeeper but will give it a valiant effort, hates the missionary position, likes to travel so often that you're not always invited, sassy, short fuse, unafraid of making her opinion known, will not let you touch her feet, likes to argue, a stickler about being kept waiting,unpredictable, thinks xtreme anything is fun, competitive as all hell, challenging- most of the time, easily bored, loves babies, could kick your ass at gin rummy, will instantly make friends with your grandma, doesn't give a rats arse when it comes to ex-girlfriends, instant road rage while bickering, will tell you that you have horrible taste in film making if you enjoyed War of the Worlds.

Then of course you could find the extended version in small print somewhere on the internet. But, the warning label would give you just enough info on whether or not....I'm date worthy, whether you should ingest me into your life.

The question is, would I have chosen differently had I seen THIS warning label:

Can't get anywhere on time, lectures more than he should, nothing is ever good enough, not so adventurous, no desire to see the world, casual means single pressed slacks, wouldn't be able to kick ass in a dark alley, say's he never lies and is lying, thinks you owe him, prefers one position, secretive to a fault, makes a bee line when the going is tough, will not argue out his point, too quiet in social outings, walks with his head down, selfish, apathetic about things which does not concern him, lacks spirituality, uses guilt as a tactic, hates Sushi King, lacks loyalty, easily offended, cheater, low moral fiber, 5 minutesmax, and will ultimately break your heart.

Eh, I think I'll have a V-8.

It only makes SENSE to print these labels somewhere on our body- the side effects are far more altering subconsciously and physically. AND come on, pumping a stomach is a much easier task than mending a heart.

What are some things you wouldn't have swallowed had you known their effects??

Any warning labels you would have kept on the shelf???

Don't we just love 3am phone calls

She: Hey babe. Ok so, quick question. Where do u spit?

Me: Spit?

She: Yea, if u don't swallow. Where do you spit it?

Me: Uhm...

She: I mean, I just wanted to spit it out... But we were on my new Laura Ashley bedsheets...

Me: New sheets, huh. So what did you do?

She: I spat it on his body. He looked at me weird, but I think he's fine with it.

...
Don't we just love calls at 3AM?