Emotions & Alcohol

OH  MY GOD! could I say this any other way but as OH MY FUCKING LORD!

Just when I say that I am settling down to hibernate a little and want some quite time with no drama does it hit me wham, bam smack in my face right between my eyes. And what am I yammering on about here?  I witnessed the disintegration of the marriage of my dearest friend right before me.  And I could not do a damn thing to stop this train wreck from happening. And as only my luck would have it, I find myself right in the middle of it. Not by my doing btw.

Emotions and alcohol does not a good marriage make.  I often wonder why people get emotional when they've knocked back a couple or more.  I have a good friend, when drunk,would  profess her love for all and sundry.  I remember one time when she was completely wasted, went up to a stranger and told him that he looked kinda gloomy and that whatever it was, really wasn't worth it and that she'd love him anyway.  I sat there dumbfounded!  I mean we've all had random conversations with strangers but err, to say that we'd love them...hmmm

The one myth which i've totally debunked and would thump anybody for using is " I was drunk and I don't remember".  Baloney! I say.  Did you know that your senses are actually heightened when drunk?  Which means one is very much aware of what one said or did when intoxicated. OK i'll make an allowance for those who actually blackout from too much alcohol (yes i'm talking about u :D) 

So now I'm waiting for drunk emotional one from last night to get his sorry arse out of bed and either fess up to what he'd said and done or give the excuse of being too drunk to remember anything.  Which is it to be now, eh?

Time to Forgive & To Heal

I had an interesting conversation with this lady whose story I am about to share with you (with her permission of course).

Cassey had been in a 4yr relationship with Terry.  She was happy throughout the duration.  There was much laughter and easy going comradeness between the two.  She described the relationship as one where they were together but independently.  Meaning that she could go about her travels and continue with her life pretty much as it was before they started their relationship.  Little did she realise what was going on.  In their 3rd year of being together Cassey was diagnosed as having cancer and was pretty much told that she would never be able to conceive.  Not only did she beat the cancer but she also found herself pregnant almost a year later.  Unfortunately 6mths into the pregnancy, Cassey was forced to deliver.  Her baby did not survive and neither did the relationship.  She had noticed that Terry had become distant during this time and later found out that 1. he never wanted the baby and 2. he was having an affair.

With the double blow she took extended leave

and left for adventures in a foreign country.  Thinking this would bring her some semblances of inner peace.  Little did she know that she would soon find out that the 4yrs with Terry was all based on a web of lies.  He was married and had a family based in another part of the country.  The independent living within the relationship suited him fine because that left him free to live his double life. It was a shock.  Being lied to is the one thing she could not accept.  She said that each morning she woke up to the mantra of " You're an idiot to have had him play you and make a fool of you for 4 years! How in god's name did you not see and read the signals".  Slowly she forgot but did not forgive.

18months ago Terry reappears in her life after her return.  She wants nothing to do with him but he is persistent.  Cassey cannot forget the lies and the cheating.  It burns in her.  Then 3months ago Terry disappears within the blink of an eye and once again Cassey is diagnosed as having a relapse. She knows that things are not looking good for her and has come to accept it for what it is.  At the same time, she says that although Terry has hurt and tormented her sanity, she does not want to leave without saying her goodbyes.

I asked her what she would tell him if he was to appear and sit across from her, as we were doing. This is what she had to say:

"Much has passed between us and alot of which I have held in my heart in hatred and intense dislike for you.  I will never be able to understand why you did all the things you did to me but it does not matter now. I may soon not be around and with that in mind I do not want to carry this karma with me.  I forgive you.  Keep only the fondest memories and release me.  Do well for yourself and be safe always"

The conversation ends and we sit in silence both lost in our own individual thoughts.

Pecking Order

I'm on a roll today, feel another blog coming about.... :)

I'm part of a sibling foursome, which obviously means I cannot relate to the 'only child' syndrome.  Their upbringing would be soooo different from mine. Unlike me they did not to share their toys, wear hand-me-downs, fight over who gets the last cookie, engage in tattling or even compete for their parents love and attention. They did not have to deal with the daily battles and the emotional roller coaster rides (hey look another roller coaster ref) that the rest of us who grew up with siblings had to deal with.

I have an older sister and a younger brother and sister.  Does that mean I can consider myself to be a middle child? and therefore tag on some of those syndromes to myself? OK u hear that screeching sound? That was me pulling on the brakes coming to a dead halt.  I had to look up "what is middle child syndrome?" and what i found was so NOT me.  Here let me give u a brief synopsis of what it is:

The middle or second born child or children often have the sense of not belonging. They fight to receive attention from parents and others because they feel many times they are being ignored or dubbed off as being the same as another sibling. Being in the middle a child can feel insecure. The middle child often lacks drive and looks for direction from the first born child. Sometimes a middle child feels out of place because they are not over achievers and like to go with the flow of things.

Being a middle child would mean they are loners. They really don’t like to latch on to a person in a relationship, there fore they have trouble keeping one due to lack of interest. Not liking to take the limelight for anything, they are not over achievers and just simply work enough work to get by, and typically that goes with school as well as a career. They are however very artistic and creative. If forced to use abilities they will work well, but do not work well under pressure. They often start several projects but rarely keep focused long enough to finish a project. The best career move for a middle child would be along the lines of using their creative. Going into a writing or journalism career, and into a career that they could freely express themselves would be good. Anything that would have hours that are flexible, and projects that frequently changed would be good for a middle born child. Since relationships are not of high importance to a middle child, often times they are alone. However, the best possible match for a middle child would be a last born.

Hehehe....for those of you who know me, please do join me in laughing :0D

My older sister was the more artistic and creative one. Was popular and had a knack of getting into trouble. It was a challenge to keep up with her. Because of her popularity I was always known as Tina's sister in school. Not too thrilling at that time :)  My brother was the family clown, still is.  Always making us laugh. Being the only son, i felt he was a little spoilt.  Although he was the 3rd child for most part he did behave like as if he was the oldest of the lot and could be pretty bossy :P Now my youngest sister, the baby of the family was treated exactly like that, the family baby.  nothing much was ever expected of her and because of her quiet nature she could hardly get a word in edge wise to make her opinion heard.  All that has changed by the way. So that leaves me with being numero dos.  I'm more of the academic sort.  The brains of the family if u please.  The worry wort and problem solver.

It's amazing, that as i write this and reflect back on our sibling traits, it pretty much still stands true. We are all now living in different parts of the world and has been approximately 10yrs since the 4 of us got together in one place but we still manage to argue and piss each other off...ONLINE! (ah the joys of modern day technology)

I love my brother and sisters and I want nothing but the best for them. There are times, when i compare myself to them, I feel instances of inadequacy and moments of self-doubt.  I want the artistic abilities of my sister and the creativity of my brother and even the calmness of my younger sister.  I want it all :) 

Memories are plenty and joyful. A few which could be told and some which can't (if i value my life!) I treasure the memories and I treasure the three.  It is on days such as this when i miss them, that memories give me comfort.

I end this with a quote by Susan Merrell in which she says, "Our brothers and sisters are there with us from the dawn of our personal stories to the inevitable dusk"

Dear Mom & Dad

I just recently found out that I could blog via my iphone...sweet!  So i'm writing this while sitting under a tree watching little ones scamper around in the nearby playground.

Watching these kids transport me back to my own childhood.  Plenty of laughter and smiles. My parents picture very prominently in majority of my childhood memories :)  My father, the lecturer, stern as hell but a teddy bear inside.  He provided and  protected us, giving us all that we could want for.  My mom, the homemaker, always there for us. Be it to fetch and carry us to and from sports, tuition or play dates.  Together the 6 of us formed a close knit solid unit.

A few weeks ago I received news that my dad had taken ill.  The kinda news that for a daughter living overseas hates to get.  It threw me into a spin...what the hell do i do? There were other things happening to me simultaneously that I felt hopeless and useless as a daughter.  I need to make him better, I need to get home...nothing else matters. So with everything put on the back burner I take that flight and return to KL.

During that time, suspended in mid-air, where my life is literally in someone else's hands I ask myself the age old question of whether it would be best to return home and take on the duties of a daughter. What if one day i'm too late in getting back here.  Flying from DC to KL is no joke. All the 'what if's' play in my head.  I miss being my mom and dad's daughter. The thought of not seeing them again terrifies me. I wanna go back to when i was 7, where innocence ruled and health was good all around.  The horrors of the world had not touched me as yet.

Wishful thinking I know.  I heard my niece saying just the other day that she was 15 and a half.  I smiled. How important was it to state that additional half a year older. I'm 38 and a month and wondering what 38 and a half would be :0)

Life is but a mystery eh? Anyways, my dad is doing much better, he's walking around much more, will try to drive again soon and is well on the road to recovery.  I thank God for that.  I can return to DC peacefully and fade out. 

I love u, my dearest papa & mummy.  I wish you long life and the best the world can offer you both.

My Prayer

For the love of sanity and all good things, if there is truly a God, listen up dude...PUT ME OUT OF MY FUCKING MISERY!  Thanks much...Amen

Liar, Liar pants on Fire!

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies. Men, we lie all the time. We lie so much it's damn near a language. To call a man out for lying is like playing basketball with a retarded kid and calling him for double dribble. You gotta let some shit slide. You know what a man's lie is like? A man's lie is like, "I was at Tony's house." That's a man's lie. A women's lie is like, "It's your baby." That's right. Who are the biggest liars? Women are the biggest liars! Look at you, all of you. You're a fucking liar. You! You're a liar! You're all liars. All of you are fucking liars! Masters of the lie, the visual lie. You got on heels, you ain't that tall. You got on makeup, your face don't look like that. You got a weave, your hair ain't that long. You got a Wonderbra on, your titties ain't that big. Everything about you is a lie and you expect me to tell the truth? Fuck you!

The above is an excerpt from comedian Chris Rock, but there is a lot of truth to his Liar skit. Technically, most women are a lie! Those aren’t her real fingernails and that is not the color of her real hair. However, those are harmless lies. They are what we refer to as white lies. They are mere fibs, just fudging on the truth. We can overlook these lies. We even accept these lies. But as we all know, the vast majority of lies are not and cannot be embraced with such love. Instead these lies fill us with hate.

Nothing pisses off a person more than being fed a lie, especially an emotional deception, the worst lie of all! It’s bad enough that you want to punch them in the face for stringing you along, but you also want to kick yourself while you’re down for falling for their bullshit. How could I allow it to happen? How could I be so dumb? I was naïve and entirely too trusting, two things I’m normally not! I’m a skeptic by nature. We definitely know better, but they convince us otherwise. In your heart you want to believe them. You so desperately want their words to be true that you ignore what your gut is telling you. You turn a deaf ear to it and those around you. You don’t listen to your head and instead you follow your heart - big mistake! That is what you get when you yearn for the storybook ending.

When we are played for a fool there are only two things we can do - forgive or disassociate ourselves from them. This time around I chose disassociation. Then there’s always revenge. However, for me revenge is not an option. Revenge is childish and counterproductive. Seriously, what good does revenge do? Trying to purposely hurt someone because they hurt you, I just don’t see the point in that. It’s tit for tat and I’m not into that. Seethe through your teeth and stomp your foot all you want, but throwing a temper tantrum and seeking revenge will not get you anywhere. Sure if may help release some of that built-up anger, but granting yourself that evil pleasure is only a short lived high and it is not a dark delight I want to succumb to.

Nearly every adult will tell you that lying is wrong, but many people find themselves doing it anyway. In fact, more than 80% of people admit to occasionally telling what they consider harmless half-truths. People lie for all sorts of reasons. They do it to avoid trouble, to save face in front of the boss, to spare someone's feelings and even prolong hurting someone’s feelings. The truth about lying is that you can deny it or prolong the confession all you want, but eventually the lie is going to catch up with you. It always does. Sooner or later you will get caught in a lie. And when you do, if you’re like most people, you have yet another lie prepared to cover the first...and so on and so on. It’s a vicious cycle and I would think a very exhausting game to play.

So why do so many people lie and why do they lie so frequently? Because it lets you manipulate the way you want to be seen by others. Let me say that again. Because it lets you manipulate the way you want to be seen by others. People often lie because they are cowards who can’t deal well with confrontation and figure the easiest way to face a problem is to not face it. They ignore it, hoping it will magically work itself out on its own and disappear into thin air like magic pixie dust - poof! Although in reality what happens is it blows up in their face. Sweeping things under the rug never solved anything. As unpleasant as it is to deal with problems, we all must do it. I rather someone was straight with me, even if their words were painful to digest. Give me that honesty. If nothing else, I could at least walk away with some respect for them.

If you really care about someone, do yourself and them a favor. Tell the truth, no matter how much it hurts. Because believe me, lying hurts far more than any truth ever could.

Bizarre Conversations

As far as conversations go, I have to say that the one I had tonight was by far the most entertaining one I've had in a while.  One topic of conversation among the myriad of bizarre ones was the difference between being a cross-dresser and a transvestite.  

And mind you this came about in the most mundane of ways.  I was out having dinner with a friend of mine, Dina, and we were talking about investment and the property market (kinda boring I know) when he said that if i was looking to buy a condo/apt in the Bangsar (a city in Malaysia) area then he'd put me in touch with his agent but with a caveat that he's all woman.  Hmmm...gave me a second pause for thought here. Dina laughs at my expression and asks me if i knew the difference between someone being a cross-dresser and a transvestite.  Well let's say that I thought i did until this enlightenment.  Apparently his agent had given him the low down on it. So I shall now pass this information on to you .... ;)

The first type:  a straight guy who merely  likes to dress in women's clothes during sex as a turn on.  More like a sexual fetish (hehehe like those who like to suck on toes...oh boy do i have a story to tell on that one!)

Then we have men who like to dress in women's garbs 24/7.  Can either be straight or gay. In most cases they are gay.  Which by the way I'm told does not necessarily mean they are the docile ones in the relationship, could also be the aggressor ... umm if u know what i mean ;)

These two versions are considered cross-dressers.

Now a transvestite is a guy who not only dresses as a woman but who wants to be a woman in all sense.  Most times these are the ones who go for sex change ops. 

I'm sitting there listening to all this and thinking, 'wow! it really does take a whole lotta people to make up the world'. Its the ability to accept not only our own differences but that of others.  Why do we judge on outward appearances. Isn't it the brain which matters?  Seriously, I feel that men have it harder just because we women are put together so, so very differently and awkwardly...the boobs, the arse, the hair (just to name a few)  :)  

So to all of you out there who dare to be different and take one on the chin for doing so, kudos I say to you! Diversity I say, diversity!

Dedication to Life

I've started this blog post so many times in the past 20 mins and i still can't get a coherent thought running.  That's also because I've a gazillion feelings running through me...confusion, remorse, peace, sadness, anger and the inability to express my thoughts without saying enough or too much.

There are 2 individuals to whom this blog goes out to. The first person...don't do it! It's not worth it, life means more.  I'll make a deal with u, if u walk away I promise to do what i need to in terms of the long run.  No joke, u have my word. Just disappear into the blue yonder and drown yourself in Laphroig :) I'll even buy u the first bottle to get u started.

To my guardian angel, the fight was not with u. I thank u for all you've done. My regret is that you won't take the time to try to understand me. Like i said its something u'll just have to trust me on coz i can't really explain what i did. I hope the blind trust i gave u can be reciprocated. I won't say goodbye coz of what u mean to me but I won't force you either.  Friendships aren't built on that.  To you, I ask that you try to understand me and my actions, cut me a little bit of slack knowing what u know about me and don't be so harsh.

I'm tired, so so very tired.  I want to laugh, i want to dance and I want to live life as i once did. Help me!

On being an Organ Donor

On my license, it says I'm an organ donor, but the truth is I'd consider being an organ martyr. I'm sure I'm worth a lot more dead than alive - the sum of the parts equal more than the whole. I wonder who might wind up walking around with my liver, my lungs, even my eyeballs. I wonder what poor sod would get stuck with whatever it is in me that passes for a heart. Why I wonder did I check that box on the form saying I wanted to be an organ donor.

Not that I really care actually. Once you're dead you're dead right? So does it matter that I'm cut up and parts of me are taken out to be transplanted into someone else's body. Of course I'd have to be a compatible match. Liver & lungs?...hmmm...at the rate I'm drinking and smoking these days, that may not be an option. Oops! Oh well, that's not for me to worry about either, i did my bit by checking the box ;)

I totally oppose however having my body used for research or for medical students to practice on. Now that I make very clear. It's weird that I feel so strongly about it especially since I just declared once you're dead you're dead and what does it matter but it does. Yes, yes we've long ago established that I'm a weird one but go figure anyways!

I leave you with this quote on death and dying "Somebody should tell us, right at the start of our lives, that we are dying. Then we might live life to the limit, every minute of every day. Do it! I say. Whatever you want to do, do it now! There are only so many tomorrows."

How many tomorrows do I have left i wonder....

Warning Labels

Now then, I don't normally bother reading warning labels unless its on some on my more noteworthy clothes, and that too only to figure out if it needs to be dry cleaned or otherwise :) But after reading a warning label that totally threw me, I decided to walk around the house and pick up random boxes to see if this was just a one off stupid warning, guess what I found.....

* For external use only - on a curling iron
* Warning: This product can burn eyes - on a curling iron (aww crap! does that mean i can't use it to curl my eye lashes??)
* Do not use in the shower - on a hair dryer
* Do not use while sleeping - on a hair dryer (I guess this applies to those who have a tendency to sleep walk? ...eh, go figure!)
* Caution: Do not spray in eyes - on a container for underarm deodorant
* Do not use intimately - on a tube of deodorant (I nearly died laughing on this one!)
* May irritate eyes - On a can of self-defense pepper spray ( no freakin way...now why did I go and buy this???)
* Caution: Hot beverages are hot - on a coffee cup (seriously how does one react to this one?)
* Do not use orally - on a toilet bowl cleaning brush
* Do not use for drying pets - on a manual for a microwave ( ok maybe this one needs to be spelt out for some....in which case I think they shud include babies on that warning along with pets!)
* Not for weight control - on a packet of breath savers (hehehe!)
* For indoor or outdoor use only - On a string of Christmas lights (there goes my plans for being this year's lighted human christmas fixture)
* Warning: do not use if you have prostate problems - On a box of Midol PMS relief tablets (seriously??)
* Warning: May contain nuts - On a package of peanuts (Got me on this one!)
* Do not use orally after using rectally - In the instructions for an electric thermometer (I honestly stood staring at this for a while, trying to wrap my brain around this...eewww)
* Not dishwasher safe - On a remote control for a TV
* Remove the plastic wrapper - The first instruction on a bag of microwave popcorn (to see the instructions, one first has to remove the plastic wrapper and unfold the pouch!!!)
* Use like regular soap - On a bar of soap

I'm sure I could fine more oddities but had to stop for I was getting very concerned. After a while it got me thinking and questioning if I should rightly be concerned for the sanity and intellect of those coming up with these label warnings or if it truly HAD to be spelt out in such manner coz consumers were actually doing what was being warned about...now to me this would be even MORE disturbing! Hhmmm

And on that note, I leave u to ponder and check what's on the labels in your house that leaves you flabbergasted :0)

Fighting Pain with Pain

Have you ever had one of those days or moments where you feel that the very core of your foundation is being shaken and may take a downward spiral in which you're not quite sure if there will be a way back up? That day seems to be upon me today.  No matter from which angle I look at things, I can't seem to find that 'silver lining'. There's pain, lots of pain. There's sadness. There's despair. There's fear. There's the urge to cry. And somewhere in that mix, there's the need to laugh. 

I need, I crave, I want .... the what i don't know!

A Rollercoaster Ride

The past month, or more like 6 weeks, has been one similar to a rollercoaster ride at Six Flags.  Not only with the peaks and dips but fully loaded with its unpredictable loops and twists going in every which way possible.  For those who know me, you'll know that i absolutely do not have the stomach for such rides but by jove am i riding it! :s

By way of work, the 2009 perfomance management cycle & salary increase exercise came to a successful completion, not without its harried moments. By the way, the Board declared a 1.5% across the Bank increase which basically amount to 0% increase in dollar value for HQ based staff.  I'm glad i'm not there to field the wtf-is-that-all-about questions :0) Shall leave it to my capable colleagues. Anyways, I effectively do not support and advice those groups of clients anymore....a story for another blog entry...sigh!

So where am I now then? Back in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.  Arrived about a week ago under a large cloud of stress. Wasn't even sure if i was going to get onto MH091 since my connecting flight brought me in 45mins before departure into a terminal which was 'miles' away and I did not even have my boarding pass in hand.  My guardian angel must have been seriously working over time that day to ensure I got on that flight home. *shudders at scenario*

However, the deepest plunge in this ride was a farewell bid to an old friend.  Not a death per se but akin to one.  A bittersweet goodbye in which I wish all the best.

Well there was one major highlight during this period - my 38th birthday...not counting the occasional backache or knee joint aches, I still feel like a 28yr old ;)  The celebrations went on for 4 days with the highlight being a dinner & dance cruise on the Potomac. And of all days, this was the one day that I did not have my camera with me :'(

I'm officially on summer vacation so stay tuned for more frequent posts.  Need to clear the cobwebs in the head.